News
Dear subjects of Vultik! I, Anna Briskav Frosh, official journalist supreme of the Vultik nation, bring you the guidelines you’ve all been waiting for: how to deal with the witches in our midst. If you want to aid the nation and make sure your neighbour Vladskilov isn’t a dissenter, do not refrain from eaves-dropping on their every conversation! Even at night!
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How to spot a witch
This step is simple: are they talking about global warming or any other lies such as the stupid “paid leave” or the so-called “human rights”? Do they take the Queen’s name in vain or do they show any other signs, however vague? Well look no further, they’re a a witches!
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2. Who do I contact in case of a witch?
The constable of course! Go to the nearest office and contact thehimthem as soon as you feel like like you are dealing with a witch. Make sure you take provisions with you, as you are most likely going to be asked to stay in the office until they have detained the suspbject. This might take up to three days because the constable has to make sure the witch leaves no traces behind behind. Their house and belongings will be burned, their families detained and if they have a business, this will be burned as well.
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3. What will happen to the witch and the witchees family?
The re-education program of Vultik is too complicated to explain to you subjects. Just know they are re-educated in one of our government facilities. You will never see them again because they will be re-homed somewhere else afterwards. If they comply.
So that’s our guide for all you loyal subjects! Have a productive day!
WHICH WITCH IS WHICH?
HOW TO DEAL WITH OUTSIDERS
Dear subjects of Vultik, we’ve all been there before: your day in the mines has come to an end and you want to get home before curfew, when suddenly, an outsider appears! How do you deal with them?
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You perform the salute of our holy nation and you smile. Note that you will have to smile during the whole encounter. If you are not smiling, you will have to pay a fine.
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You offer to take a picture of them. If they give you their camera, “accidentally” drop it, making sure the device is inoperable.
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Ask them to forgive you and ask if you can help them in any other way.
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If they still want to talk to you, make sure you mention our product line every two sentences. If it is Tuesday, make sure they can read the advertisements on your clothes.
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If they keep you from going home for too long, just start waving and walking ng away. Keep eye contact, this is polite.
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When you get home, make sure to write an e-mail, describing the encounter in detail, and send it to whomever you want. We will read it.
Note that this does not apply to outsiders from Manusia. If you meet any outsiders from Manusia, contact the constable immediately. That’s all. Have a productive day!
BREAKING: INFAMOUS WITCH CAUGHT IN KAZAN!
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Dear subjects of Vultik! We have splendid news: the loyal constables of our nation have caught the witch who escaped the re-education facility! She was captured and sent to the facility four months ago for spreading lies about our Holy Queen. These lies will not be repeated in this article, nor will the witch be named as they cease to exist when they are re-educated. After the program they will be given a new name, a new chance to make Vultik great.
The witch was hiding in an apartment building in Kazan. The heroic constables have burned the apartment building to the ground afterwards, removing all traces of this witch. The witch escaped from the re-education facility four hours beforehand. What a display of mercy this was, as she is given yet another chance to make this nation great! Rejoice and have a productive day!